On Manners

If you were born at a certain time in the fifties, chances are you might have grown up with some manners. Not everyone, but most people did teach their children some manners. The fifties boom time was an opportunity for families to grow and neighborhoods to multiply. I was the child of older parents, who were born in the twenties. Popping out in the mid-fifties as I did, I was the youngest in the family. I went to grade school in the sixties and high school in the early seventies. I was able to see the difference even in high school between the kids of older parents and the kids of younger parents. It was not that they were date stamped on their foreheads or anything, but literally, all kinds of their behavior reflected how they were raised.

There were differences. In certain circles manners were everything. I can remember being told what to do and how to act. I also remember there were such things as Charm Schools for girls, debutante dances and dress codes. My sister only two years older than myself went to one of those charm schools. She also was presented at a ball. We were not allowed to wear jeans to school in high school and we wore uniforms at our grade school.

I am certain that as children we were annoying. My parents had two older children and there was a ten year difference between my oldest sister and myself. The best medicine for annoying children seemed to be manners. We were taught things like, "Don’t interrupt". We were informed on what not to say, such as, "uh huh", "like", "you know", and swear words.

We were taught not to eat in front of other people without sharing. We were taught that when someone was going in to eat after playing outside, we should leave. We were taught not to interrupt meal times by calling people on the phone or appearing at their door. We were taught how to set a table, how to write a thank you note, how to answer the phone, how to answer the door, in other words, how to be polite.

I can still remember being told not to discuss politics, religion or money with anyone, that all that information was private unless that was the topic of discussion and purposeful. If you had an opinion about any of it, you must share it gracefully and appropriately.

Throughout my life I learned that my manners set me apart from others. It gave me opportunities and experiences that others did not have or could not appreciate. It set me apart in many ways from my peers. I was taught not to pry, not to gossip or spread rumors. I was taught not to dress in tight clothes, to dress appropriately for an occasion and that it was rude to sleep (and snore) during an opera.

I was taught to say thank you, to ask how someone was doing and if someone asked me in turn, not to give a litany of aches and pains, don't drone on with too much information. I was taught not to be late, that promptness reflected courtesy.

I tried to pass all these gems on to my children. If I am unique, it is because I have lived by a code of manners and believed that respect was important. I have appreciated those who were different than myself, who were not a mirror image of myself. I have learned things by being open and in fact, improved my world view, by communicating with many types of people.

So I can confidently say I am not a snob by any means, my manners did not teach that or imply that.

Unfortunately somewhere along these lines, those important lessons have been gravely lost by many of my generation and new generations going forward. We have forfeited many courtesies and graces when we threw manners out the window. I think our politics today is a reflection of some of that. I also think it is a reflection of snobbery and pretentiousness, accompanied strongly by a worship of power and money. Many do not have power, many do not have money, but perhaps if we had all been taught how to speak to each other and how to behave graciously, we would not be discussing some of things we are today in politics and handling more of the people's business.

I sometimes think we are a bunch of pioneers in the old west, with no law and order and great injustices being done, because those with power, money and guns could just get away with it. We had evolved so much as a society since that time, but it seems some of us longed for and glamourized that era to the point that power is the signal that anything goes. Do you remember giving up all your sense of privacy and decorum? Or, really, has it just been stolen from us like so many other things. The hallmarks of our civilized society, our sense of fairness and peace are daily disappearing. Why? 

Teach your children well.

Copyright 2012 by SheilaTGTG55